One day I sat by a pond and saw, the vail of maya dissolved.
My quest rewarded, knowing granted.
My world forever changed, but what now? Retreat to the mountain top
maintaining clarity or engage the illusion everyday?
I choose to engage with passion, grappleing with maya in the deeps of life's
turbulence, to suck the very marrow from the bones of life with gusto and mirth
seems to be the best reason I can see for having a body and the whole charade.
Jess Jessop
Like many of us in this hectic high tech world we live in, I used to fantasize about chucking it all, putting on a back pack and heading deep into the North Woods never to return. The lure of the simple life and great outdoors can be a great escape fantasy. It can be a great reality but the reality and fantasy are always very different. This is a story of about running away to live a fantasy and how sometimes you have to give up and quit trying before enlightenment comes.
A long time ago I spent a decade or so deeply evolved with the new age enlightenment movement. I guess I was pretty much the stereotypical California tree hugging, granola eating, meditating, peace love hippy. I worked hard at clearing my stuff, aligning my chakras and staying centered in peace and love all day everyday. I studied all religions, searching for a true path. I tried every form of meditation, yoga, sweat lodges and went on many sprit journeys.
Eventually, reluctantly, prodded by my guru and earnest students, I became a teacher and guru but was always uncomfortable about it. Although I had come a long way and had developed an impressive calm, a lot of esoteric knowledge and some strong skills, I had not yet come close to satori.
Satori is the Japanese word for the moment of enlightenment, when we finally break through the maya, the illusion, and see this world as it really is. And I felt that one who had yet to succeed in reaching the top of the mountain was not a qualified guide.
So I worked even harder. Ruthlessly hunting down and rooting out any trace of attachment. Meditating and working with the chi for many hours everyday. I chased enlightenment like a world class athlete pursues the Olympics. Of course there were other things in my life like my wife and work but everything else came second and had to support my enlightenment trip or it was history. By Tao I was going to become enlightened if it killed me ;-)
But it didn’t happen. Try as I might, no matter how advanced I became in my disciplines, the A, HA, moment never seemed any nearer. The true meaning of life the universe and everything continued to elude me and that was unacceptable. I decided I couldn’t continue to teach anymore, not when I realized that while this was the best path to the top of the mountain I could find and some had reached the summit this way. I had something wrong and I was not going to.
I quit, packed up, said my goodbyes to all my friends and ran away to a tropical island. Thinking that if I gave myself a break and just enjoy life for a while it might come to me. I laid on the beach, surfed, snorkeled and really just enjoyed life for a year.
But other then the enlightenment that one can even get bored with paradise; nothing. Now I was tanned, relaxed and laid back beyond belief, but still clueless. So maybe there is no path, heck maybe there is no mountain top. I gave up and concluded I had been deluded. I decided to say fuck it and chase the money like most everyone else.
For a while it seemed like I had come to my senses. My father and most of my family thought so and were very happy about it. I was successful at making money and soon had the mandatory new cars, townhouse and 27 credit cards. Life became complex and stressful again but at least it was interesting and distracting. I began to wonder if the secret of life was simply to be busy, successful, blissfully unaware and totally OK with being clueless. Mainstream culture, where the meaning in life is found in your ability to buy things.
That was fine for a while but became empty and the spaces between the distractions more awful and meaningless. Life unraveled on me as it has its way of doing and I found myself alone in a city and state I didn’t like, doing work I hated, for people I thought were not only stupid but very dangerous. I had been well paid though and so with that little horde would be my grub stake. I decided to chuck it all in and go mountain man. I went to Seattle and spent a week getting outfitted and boarded the Alaska State ferry on a foggy cold spring morning. I was a lost soul who only wanted to walk in the woods alone. Which is what I did. The first stop coming up the inside passage from Seattle is Ketchican, and island and the town name. I got off the ferry and walked right through town and out into the wilderness. I hiked for weeks often not talking or even seeming to think much of the time. I wasn’t good but it was at least away from the stress.
Then one day I was sitting on a log having my morning coffee and staring out across the small lake I was camped on I suddenly felt something like a great sigh, a letting go of something deep within myself that I had no idea what was. Followed by a sense of total relaxation and acceptance.
I looked out upon a totally changed landscape. It was the same place it had been before but now every drop of water in the lake shined brilliant crystal blue with the spark of life it contained. The forest that had been dull and overcast became the million vibrant shades of living pulsing green. The chi within each leaf and blade clear and illuminating it from within. Even the rocks and dirt were not just rocks and dirt anymore but sparkling alive and individual. The entire view wherever I looked was alive with the radiant light that is the one, the part of Tao/God that is within everything. And that made everything distinct and individual beyond any normal ability to perceive and yet everything was also all the same, alive with the same light.
I realized by the profound peace and abundant insights that this was satori, this was my moment of enlightenment. I had to quit chasing it and letting go of that attachment, the attachment to reaching satori, had been hardest of all.